I should preface this post with the fact that I never went out with The Doctor, therefore this post should prove that I do have standards. On paper, this guy sounds like a catch-34, pediatric liver doctor, cute. But you can't trust paper!
Initially The Doctor is a fairly good texter. I can understand a doctor's crazy schedule. In fact, it's even better because I get time to myself. So I don't begrudge him the fact that he is rarely available. This guy is such a douche bag to talk to though, I can't even make myself go out with him-even for journalistic purposes!
Our first conversation begins with him saying, "Hey giiiiiiirl." I should've just stopped him right there. Then he tells me that his profile gives the wrong age. No biggie. He is really 29. Oh God! I haven't gone out with someone with a 2 in the tens place in a long time! But hey, he's a doctor. It should be alright. Wait a minute, how does a doctor screw up the year he was born on an on-line profile. Already The Doctor is shady! He was constantly asking what I was doing at about 9:00 at night. I'm sorry buddy, but I'm tired. This old lady needs her beauty rest. Other conversations (I'm using this term loosely) begin with "Hey baybay" or "Sup buttercup?" WTH! Oh wait, it gets worse. Actually talking on the phone with him is painful. He informs me that he has an eidetic memory so that "makes getting into an argument with him nearly impossible." Great! Just what I need! I get to hear his life story which involves him being a social outcast in grade school because he was so bored & smarter than all of his teachers. (You can tell he's earning bonus points with me!) He got tested & didn't come out as gifted (I'm shocked), but he's just so smart! He didn't really have many friends until high school (shocker!) because people just didn't understand him. After a few more phone conversations, he starts basically quizzing me on things I have said. I have a pretty good memory (that's why I'm able to juggle a couple of guys at a time) & I'm correcting him! Eidetic memory my ass!
He also told me about several dates he had been on in the past. In one date, he was apparently having a horrible time & his date kept talking about a guy she used to go out with. When the waitress came by he slipped her his number & told her to save him from his horrible date. The waitress called him & they went out after her shift. I'm pretty sure he "remembered" that from a movie. He also informed me that he is sick of girls saying that he is basically the perfect guy, but that they just can't deal with his schedule. First of all, I have a hard time believing that anyone would say he is the perfect guy. He then said, "Well I can't fix my schedule, but at least I'm not ugly like you." I said, "You actually said that to someone! What the hell is wrong with you?" "It was true." "Wow!"
The final nail in the coffin came a few days later. He was in between shifts & was texting me. He said, "Do you want to chat?" I didn't want him to text & drive, so I called him. No answer. I texted back, "Well, I guess you didn't want to talk to me." "I don't have time for ur mind games. Do u want to talk right now or not?" Whoa there buddy! I did call, you didn't answer. "I don't have a missed call." I don't know what to tell you. "Well this is the last time I'm going to try to get you to hang out with me." Don't bother! Time of death: 4:17PM
Friday, April 25, 2014
Latino Heat
Sometimes you just have to go out with a guy because he's hot, muy caliente if you will. Latino Heat was definitely HOT! He knew 4 different languages and had a sexy accent. His skin was dark. His hair was dark & curly in a sexy way. I obviously can't stress his hotness enough.
Before our first date he said that he had picked up something for me that reminded him of me. I was very curious as to what that could be since he really didn't know me & I hadn't gotten a gift on a first date in a LONG time! On our first date I learned how he got to America & where he had lived-pretty much all over. This was very intriguing to me. I honestly could've just listened to him reading the menu. As we were leaving he gave me the gift. I just glanced at it & thought it was white chocolate since I told him I didn't like milk chocolate. I went to a friend's house after the date to dish about it & looked a little more closely at the gift. It was actually 3 disks of soap that were in the shape of angels. They stunk! I then looked a little closer & I'm pretty sure he picked them up at an airport store. Classy! Like I said, I could've listened to him talk about any topic in that sexy accent......until Date #2!
Latino Heat was HORRIBLE at picking date places. This may have been because he was fairly new to town-OK I'll give you that. It took us 2 hours of texting to figure out what we were going to do for Date #2. Finally I suggested going to an outdoor theater. Then came the discussion of what we would eat. For some reason, he did not understand the concept of bringing food to the theater to eat like a picnic. I just chalked it up to cultural differences. After another hour or so of figuring the eating situation out, we had a plan! We drove separately to the theater (a blessing in disguise, believe me!) & met up at the ticket booth. We chose a nice spot on the grass & began our picnic. As we are eating we begin discussing the previous week. I had a few moles removed that week & I was telling him about it. He then says, "Did your doctor tell you that was necessary?" Well, she suggested it, so I figured they needed to be removed. "Well did the doctor tell you how to prevent that in the future?" Ummm, they're hereditary & I need to continue to use sunscreen, why? "I just don't think it's necessary." Why? "Well in my job the molecules can fix it. Everything can have the molecules transformed by the vibrations." Excuse me? "My job has basically cured cancer." WHAT? Why hasn't this made the news? "The drug companies won't benefit." So you're telling me that you have cured cancer. "Yes. Many of my patients have no problems at all. We cure every disease. You just set the machine to the right vibrations." Is this some freaky alternative medicine stuff? "I don't like the word freaky. It's just science!" Luckily the show started & it was cold so I had an excuse to get the heck out of there! I don't care how hot you are, hotness doesn't cure crazy!
Time of death: 8:53PM
Before our first date he said that he had picked up something for me that reminded him of me. I was very curious as to what that could be since he really didn't know me & I hadn't gotten a gift on a first date in a LONG time! On our first date I learned how he got to America & where he had lived-pretty much all over. This was very intriguing to me. I honestly could've just listened to him reading the menu. As we were leaving he gave me the gift. I just glanced at it & thought it was white chocolate since I told him I didn't like milk chocolate. I went to a friend's house after the date to dish about it & looked a little more closely at the gift. It was actually 3 disks of soap that were in the shape of angels. They stunk! I then looked a little closer & I'm pretty sure he picked them up at an airport store. Classy! Like I said, I could've listened to him talk about any topic in that sexy accent......until Date #2!
Latino Heat was HORRIBLE at picking date places. This may have been because he was fairly new to town-OK I'll give you that. It took us 2 hours of texting to figure out what we were going to do for Date #2. Finally I suggested going to an outdoor theater. Then came the discussion of what we would eat. For some reason, he did not understand the concept of bringing food to the theater to eat like a picnic. I just chalked it up to cultural differences. After another hour or so of figuring the eating situation out, we had a plan! We drove separately to the theater (a blessing in disguise, believe me!) & met up at the ticket booth. We chose a nice spot on the grass & began our picnic. As we are eating we begin discussing the previous week. I had a few moles removed that week & I was telling him about it. He then says, "Did your doctor tell you that was necessary?" Well, she suggested it, so I figured they needed to be removed. "Well did the doctor tell you how to prevent that in the future?" Ummm, they're hereditary & I need to continue to use sunscreen, why? "I just don't think it's necessary." Why? "Well in my job the molecules can fix it. Everything can have the molecules transformed by the vibrations." Excuse me? "My job has basically cured cancer." WHAT? Why hasn't this made the news? "The drug companies won't benefit." So you're telling me that you have cured cancer. "Yes. Many of my patients have no problems at all. We cure every disease. You just set the machine to the right vibrations." Is this some freaky alternative medicine stuff? "I don't like the word freaky. It's just science!" Luckily the show started & it was cold so I had an excuse to get the heck out of there! I don't care how hot you are, hotness doesn't cure crazy!
Time of death: 8:53PM
Sunday, April 6, 2014
"You're Not Impressing Me!"
By the title of this post you can already tell this guy is going to be a d-bag. You are not mistaken. This guy is my first Tinder date. What is Tinder you ask? Tinder is an app that was originally created (I'm sure) to find people who are relatively close to you that want to hook up. The app has kind of evolved into a dating app as well so I decided to try it out. I saw that the Olympians in Sochi were using it & by God, if it's good enough for Olympians, it's good enough for me! Here is how the app works. You set a distance boundary & it uploads some profile pictures from Facebook. Then you get a whole bunch of guys that come up and you either hit the X or the heart. The X would mean you aren't interested and the heart obviously shows your interest. If the guy hits the heart on your picture you are matched up & can send messages to each other. It's as easy as that. The downside to this app is that you literally know nothing about the person, i.e. job, children, etc. You only know that you are both attracted to each other. Come to think of it, this is really no different than meeting someone at a bar or anywhere else really. I guess I'm just used to on-line dating and knowing a little more about people to filter some out. Yes, surprisingly, I do filter people out---though you can't tell this by some of the people I've gone out with. :)
I get matched up with this guy, we'll call him Gru (the reason why will become apparent soon) & we start to chat. Gru works for a security company & really likes talking on the phone. I am not a big fan of chatting on the phone, I'd much prefer to text. I can get a lot more done while texting than I can while talking on the phone. I'm sorry, but much like the car dealer, my time is valuable. So we continue to text & we have some things in common. Then Gru starts sending sad little texts every once in awhile saying, "Call me?" So I throw him a bone sometimes and actually call him. He chides me for not wanting to talk saying, "Oh God, I'm so sorry I actually want human contact. I'm such a jerk!" He's being a smart ass, but deep down I know it annoys him. We set a date for St. Patrick's Day & I am starting to look forward to it. About a week before the date, Gru starts to get a little weird. One night I go out with a friend (who is a girl, not that it matters) and don't respond to his texts. He accuses me of having a date (little does he know I have 5 planned for the week) and not wanting to spend time with him. Uh what? He says that he really likes me and I'm already starting to have an effect on him. Then I get a pitiful, "Call me?" text. OK fine. I call him and we chat for a little bit. I then tell him that I have some work to do & would rather text when he blurts out, "Well consider our date off." What? Are you serious right now? Because I won't talk to you? "I'm not joking. You're not impressing me." Excuse me? "You're not impressing me at all. Consider the date off." Uh, no problem ass hat! I didn't say that last line, I just hung up.
Spring Break of Dates is a bust & fast forward to last week. I get a Tinder message from Gru. I glance at it & all I see is "giant cock." WTF! Then I read the whole message-Soooo, I was a giant cock. Well that's better. I thought he wanted to do some crazy sexting or something! I reply back that I'm glad he's seen the error of his ways. He blames his shitty attitude on work stress & what not. I understand work stress, but you don't have to be an asshole. Anyway, he is apparently in a much better place & wants to start over. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I agree. I only got one pity "Call me?" text & I was already in bed, so too bad! Gru had to unexpectedly work from midnight until 8:00am on the day of our date. He was so excited to see me though that he didn't cancel. I got to the establishment first so I went ahead and got us a table. I wait around for about 10 minutes or so and in walks Gru. Boy was I in for a surprise! This was the first time that a date really looked nothing like their picture. Gru is a big bald man (I do like a good bald man!) with absolutely no facial hair except for his humongous eyebrows! The guy in the picture had cute stubble. I've never seen facial hair transform someone so much. This guy looked like a mix between Gru from Despicable Me (without the nose) & the eagle Muppet! (You're pretty impressed I figured out how to link those words to web-sites aren't you.) He also had on a t-shirt that was too big, jeans, & dirty white tennis shoes (you know the kind every guy has for mowing that has green all over them) without the mowing green since he lives in an apartment. This seems to be a trend now with guys coming in without making much of an effort. I must say, I looked cute. I always put forth the effort because, you never know, he could be THE ONE. After I get over the shock that I am about to have lunch with a cartoon character, we settle in to conversation. About 15 minutes in I begin to smell the distinguishable smell of feet. He keeps yammering on about his job & what he was doing from 12-8am and all I can do is smell feet! It really starts to ruin my appetite. I look down just to make sure he hasn't kicked off his dirty shoes right in the middle of our lunch (he hadn't). I try to ignore the smell and we have some more witty banter. I chide him for not caring if he has Pepsi or Coke, he teases me for accidentally squirting him with my tomato. As we leave, I go in for the side hug (I don't want to smell like feet!) & he reaches around for the full body hug. AWKWARD! I still can't tell if I could smell his feet of if someone nearby just chucked off their shoes at the old Outback, but I'm willing to give this guy another shot. Maybe I'll slyly suggest growing out his beard.
Time of death-Hospice care has been called in.
UPDATE-So apparently I hadn't been paying enough attention to him this week because I got a text that said, "Good luck to you. You obviously don't have time for me." Whatevs! I replied that I had been really busy. Yadda yadda yadda. I then proceeded to continue doing work. About an hour later I get a text that says, "Like I said, good luck to you." Fine buddy-bye bye! Then tonight I get this text, "Drunk & horny. Wanna play?" Are you serious dude? Followed up with, "I'd love to make you feel good." WTF! Time of death: 10:12pm on Tuesday & AGAIN 9:17pm Thursday.
I get matched up with this guy, we'll call him Gru (the reason why will become apparent soon) & we start to chat. Gru works for a security company & really likes talking on the phone. I am not a big fan of chatting on the phone, I'd much prefer to text. I can get a lot more done while texting than I can while talking on the phone. I'm sorry, but much like the car dealer, my time is valuable. So we continue to text & we have some things in common. Then Gru starts sending sad little texts every once in awhile saying, "Call me?" So I throw him a bone sometimes and actually call him. He chides me for not wanting to talk saying, "Oh God, I'm so sorry I actually want human contact. I'm such a jerk!" He's being a smart ass, but deep down I know it annoys him. We set a date for St. Patrick's Day & I am starting to look forward to it. About a week before the date, Gru starts to get a little weird. One night I go out with a friend (who is a girl, not that it matters) and don't respond to his texts. He accuses me of having a date (little does he know I have 5 planned for the week) and not wanting to spend time with him. Uh what? He says that he really likes me and I'm already starting to have an effect on him. Then I get a pitiful, "Call me?" text. OK fine. I call him and we chat for a little bit. I then tell him that I have some work to do & would rather text when he blurts out, "Well consider our date off." What? Are you serious right now? Because I won't talk to you? "I'm not joking. You're not impressing me." Excuse me? "You're not impressing me at all. Consider the date off." Uh, no problem ass hat! I didn't say that last line, I just hung up.
Spring Break of Dates is a bust & fast forward to last week. I get a Tinder message from Gru. I glance at it & all I see is "giant cock." WTF! Then I read the whole message-Soooo, I was a giant cock. Well that's better. I thought he wanted to do some crazy sexting or something! I reply back that I'm glad he's seen the error of his ways. He blames his shitty attitude on work stress & what not. I understand work stress, but you don't have to be an asshole. Anyway, he is apparently in a much better place & wants to start over. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I agree. I only got one pity "Call me?" text & I was already in bed, so too bad! Gru had to unexpectedly work from midnight until 8:00am on the day of our date. He was so excited to see me though that he didn't cancel. I got to the establishment first so I went ahead and got us a table. I wait around for about 10 minutes or so and in walks Gru. Boy was I in for a surprise! This was the first time that a date really looked nothing like their picture. Gru is a big bald man (I do like a good bald man!) with absolutely no facial hair except for his humongous eyebrows! The guy in the picture had cute stubble. I've never seen facial hair transform someone so much. This guy looked like a mix between Gru from Despicable Me (without the nose) & the eagle Muppet! (You're pretty impressed I figured out how to link those words to web-sites aren't you.) He also had on a t-shirt that was too big, jeans, & dirty white tennis shoes (you know the kind every guy has for mowing that has green all over them) without the mowing green since he lives in an apartment. This seems to be a trend now with guys coming in without making much of an effort. I must say, I looked cute. I always put forth the effort because, you never know, he could be THE ONE. After I get over the shock that I am about to have lunch with a cartoon character, we settle in to conversation. About 15 minutes in I begin to smell the distinguishable smell of feet. He keeps yammering on about his job & what he was doing from 12-8am and all I can do is smell feet! It really starts to ruin my appetite. I look down just to make sure he hasn't kicked off his dirty shoes right in the middle of our lunch (he hadn't). I try to ignore the smell and we have some more witty banter. I chide him for not caring if he has Pepsi or Coke, he teases me for accidentally squirting him with my tomato. As we leave, I go in for the side hug (I don't want to smell like feet!) & he reaches around for the full body hug. AWKWARD! I still can't tell if I could smell his feet of if someone nearby just chucked off their shoes at the old Outback, but I'm willing to give this guy another shot. Maybe I'll slyly suggest growing out his beard.
Time of death-Hospice care has been called in.
UPDATE-So apparently I hadn't been paying enough attention to him this week because I got a text that said, "Good luck to you. You obviously don't have time for me." Whatevs! I replied that I had been really busy. Yadda yadda yadda. I then proceeded to continue doing work. About an hour later I get a text that says, "Like I said, good luck to you." Fine buddy-bye bye! Then tonight I get this text, "Drunk & horny. Wanna play?" Are you serious dude? Followed up with, "I'd love to make you feel good." WTF! Time of death: 10:12pm on Tuesday & AGAIN 9:17pm Thursday.
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