Uncle Rico

I realize that it's been awhile, but rest assured, I've been on plenty of dates. Not all of them have been blog-worthy (maybe I've raised my standards), but here is one that I knew I was going to write about as soon as this guy opened his mouth. Uncle Rico seemed to have his shit together. He has a great job, a house, more than one vehicle, season tickets to the Chiefs, what more could a girl ask for? 

This date started out well enough. We went to dinner and a had decent conversation to start. Then somehow he started talking about "kids these days." He went on a 30 minute tirade about how kids are lazy now and how they are "soft." All of his evidence for this, by the way, was from his ex-fiancé's sons. This led to a NINETY minute reminiscing session of "the good ol' days" of when he was in high school. I learned that he was the captain of the football team, he always stuck up for the kids getting bullied, he was the Chuck E. Cheese mascot, he surfed on top of a car. It never seemed to end. To add insult to injury, the ENTIRE time he is looking down & off to the side, never once making eye contact.  It was like he was visualizing himself in his prime, off in his own little world. As we got up to leave, I was walking behind him. I look down and notice that he has bedazzled jeans on! The ass of his jeans have a pattern with some jewels! Those were never cool on guys, even in the 1990s.

Time of death: When he said he voted for Trump.

Actual Usernames & Initial Messages

I've been working on this post for quite some time. I will definitely be adding to it as more interesting quotes & names come up. This is a list of initial messages received by "gentlemen" & interesting usernames. Enjoy!

"You nise"

"hi hon"

"Hi sexy"

"Ever been with a sexy black guy"

"Do you ever get what you pay for? I’m not sure, but I will say this. Do you ever feel like after an oil change or car wash, your car runs better? Like it has a personality or feelings? I do. 

Which is why I don’t use coupons, I don’t want my Heinz ketchup tasting like Hunts because I hurt it’s feeling."

"How are you have beautiful eyes"

"Hello your are very beautiful smile"

"Mmmmm yummy :) :p"

"Hi. You have the most prettiest smile."

"I'll give it to you the way you love it"

"Hello beautiful damsel you're really beautiful and cute !! I'm Wilson by the way and you?.... I'm rarely on here would love to get to know you better. 
Harold"---so are you Wilson or Harold???? 

"Hey, how are you? You are quite a sexy woman ;)" 

"You look like you have some yummy curves"


"Hey there :) wanna have my baby ? :) Would love to meet a woman who would like to have a child in the future"

"Yummmmm"

"Let's go to the casino I'll spot you the first couple hundred"

"Wanna hang out" followed by "I wanna fuck your brains out" then the ever popular "I wanna cum on your face" (At least he used the right your!"



Usernames from guys that have messaged me:
GrizzlyBearGrr
Magikaltongue-Love to get it slippery when wet
AWSOMETRAMTOGETHER
AWSOMETEAMTOGETHER (he must have figured out he spelled "team" incorrectly the first time, but hasn't quite figured out how to spell awesome)
daddydolla
magiksnugglez
hanginglongandlow-this guy initially sent "Super pretty smile!" However, a week later he sent a dick pic with the caption, "Consider it!"

Señor Aburrido

In case you are not fluent in Spanish, this post is entitled Mr. Boring. This is Date #2 for the day & didn't go much better than the first. I admit, I was cautiously optimistic about this date. He checked all of the right boxes in what I am looking for & seemed to really have his shit together. I completely ignored the fact that his messages to me were usually just one sentence or an emoji. Surely he'll have more personality when we actually meet right??? WRONG!

We planned to meet at Pierpont's for drinks & then possibly head to dinner. This seemed like a pretty classy date idea, so I was excited. As I walk up to the waiting area, he comes up from behind me & says that he was in the bathroom & thought that was me. (This was bathroom visit #1-please keep track throughout.) We go to sit at the bar & it is pretty full. Luckily a guy stands up & says that we can have his table. Then the silence begins. I'm pretty good at coming up with conversation, so I use what little I've gathered about him (good thing I made the spreadsheet) to try to get him to talk. I made him laugh out loud several times throughout the evening-that's how good of a conversationalist I am! It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk. When I told him about my injury in Jamaica he finally had an injury story of his own. He got a concussion a couple of weeks ago after falling off a ladder. Maybe I should be blaming the concussion for his lack of personality. He got hungry (let's be honest, I was too) so we decided to just order food there. Unfortunately, they were out of what we decided to get. I was over the silence by this time, but I was hungry so I decided to stick with it. That's when I went to the bathroom & so did he (Time #2 to go #1!) We then walked to the Freight house District close by and the first place we tried had an hour and a half wait. No way I was waiting for that. Luckily Lidia's only had a 10 minute wait so we went there. He then went to the bathroom again (#3) and I asked him if he had a bladder infection. He laughed it off. The ENTIRE 10 minute wait he stared ahead without talking! 10 WHOLE MINUTES OF SILENCE. I was really just waiting to see if he could last the whole time. He did! 

Everything at Lidia's was expensive. Now, I may be a bitch, but I'm not a horrible person. I knew this date was not going well, so I decided to go the cheap way out and just get a salad-the cheapest thing on the menu. (See I really am a good person!) A little more personality came through while eating, basically him making fun of me eating only a salad. I knew he meal prepped so I asked him about smoothies & how much protein he ate a day. He talked freely about food & that's about it. I did impress him with my minimal Spanish knowledge & he was definitely in to me. As we were leaving he said, "Don't make fun of me, but I have to go to the bathroom again." Yes ladies & gentlemen, this is bathroom break #4! He playfully teased me as we walked back to Union Station & this was the most personality I got the whole night----teasing me! Luckily when he walked me to the car he didn't do the awkward lean in. That would've just added to the awkwardness of the evening.

Time of death: Awkward Pause #7 of the Evening

UPDATE

After talking with Señor Aburrido a little more & seeing more of his actual personality, I decided to give him a second chance. (More evidence of me not being a horrible person!) He changed his workout schedule so that he could see me at my workout on Monday (Yes, this is walking the thin line between cute & creepy!), and he really put forth a lot of effort this week so I put him back on life support. 

In a genius move by him, he wanted to go see a movie. This will definitely cut down on the awkward pauses.  We could NOT agree on a movie, but he very graciously agreed to watch The Incredibles 2, even though he hasn't even seen the first one. We did agree on eating sushi (a soft food) before hand because in addition to the concussion from a few weeks ago, he knocked out a tooth as well & just got the temporary crown put on, so his mouth was still a little sensitive. We had MUCH better conversation this time around & only ONE awkward pause! He did eat sushi with a fork, so there's that, but that can be overlooked. He even brought up his bathroom issue! Apparently, he drinks like a gallon of water at work every day, so naturally it all has to come out. He made it through the movie like a trooper & even laughed out loud at parts. He only went to the bathroom 3 times this go around, so he's making progress. I guess I'd rather have him pee than get a UTI or piss his pants on our date. We did have a slight awkward moment at my car. He went in for a hug & I was ready to give him a little mouth to mouth resuscitation. We got all that figured out & I'm willing to go for round #3. We'll see what this week holds.

Time of Death: TBD-back on life support

The Umpire

I have 2 dates scheduled for today. This is a first! I also have another date for tomorrow evening, so this is definitely a record!

Unsurprisingly, Date #1 of the day was a bust! Now in my spreadsheet I will have to add height as one of the columns because I seriously overlooked his 5'7" height. I'm also calling bullshit on his listed 5'7" height because I looked him in the eyes & I'm not 5'7"! So he set up this date & I hadn't really talked to him that much, but decided, hey, what the hell. He has a pretty flexible schedule (read unreliable income) since his main summer job is umpiring for high school & college age kids. His winter job is being a surgical tech that doesn't actually want to be in the surgical room, so he just sterilizes the equipment. He travels for that job, but would like his traveling days to be over. That's a good thing since he's closer to 50 than 40! He's also in a bluegrass band & has a garden so would you think he would have some interesting stories to tell. You would be wrong! 

When deciding where to eat he informs me that he doesn't like big chain restaurants. OK, that's not a problem. He then asks if there is a Panera near me. (Ummm...isn't Panera a large chain restaurant???) I inform him that I workout until 10:45, so he wants to meet at 11:00. Well sir, unless you want me to meet you all sweaty & gross, I'm going to need some shower time. Finally we agree on noon since he has to get to Wichita to umpire anyway. I get a text at about 11:40 that he has "missed placed" his keys and could we bump it back to 12:30. Not a problem. Next text-Never mind, I found them, they were in his front door, it'll be a little after 12.  OK! At 12:15 I get a text that he has taken a wrong turn & will be there soon. 12:20 his GPS tells him he's here, but where is it. He is dressed in a College World Series t-shirt & athletic shorts & as aforementioned, is eye level with me when he finally walks in. He cannot understand the poor Hispanic girl who is taking his order even though she is speaking perfect English when she asks if he would like a half or a full salad. His initial response was "cold, I'd like my salad cold." She then asks if he wants chips, bread or an apple & he says no. She tells him that it comes with it & he says chips. (After we get our food & I get an apple, he says, "Oh that's what she asked chips or an apple." Uh, she said, "Chips, bread or an apple." "Oh man! I would've gotten bread! Do you think they would switch out my chips for bread?") 

The conversation is NOT good! Luckily I know a lot about baseball so I can keep him talking. I find out that he grew up in a small town in western Kansas & that his parents are the same age as my grandma. He's lived in Madison, Wisconsin as one of his travel surgical tech jobs & really loved it there. I also learn that he has grown a ghost pepper, but doesn't know what to do with it. He would show me a picture, but his phone is dead. This is the extent of what he adds to the "conversation." As we are leaving, he definitely wants to see me again. He's so glad we had a "great conversation" because that's so hard to find. (Was he on the same date I was?) 

Time of Death: The second my eyes met his without looking up

The Math Teacher

I must start this off by saying how much I love math! I love everything about math. It is by far my favorite subject to teach! I had a HUGE crush on my Trigonometry teacher in college. So much so that I actually woke up for my 7:30am class to see his beautiful face. I also became his grader for several semesters as well, so I definitely CAN find math teachers attractive & want to date them. However, this particular math teacher is NOT that guy.

I had been talking to The Math Teacher for several weeks before he finally asked me out. We had a lot in common: our love of math & our love of Broadway musicals. This last fact left me wary, but I kept telling myself that Lin Manuel Miranda was at one time a teacher & he loves Broadway, so maybe he's not gay! I must admit, that some of our conversations were a bit boring, like what I imagine kids who don't like math feel like when they have to talk to their math teacher. However, we had so much in common that I did want to meet up.

The Math Teacher told me several times today that we was excited to finally meet me. He even sent me the address of the "restaurant" (I'm quoting restaurant here because it was Mi Ranchito) so that I would know exactly where to go. That's a good teacher move-make sure there is no possible way the students can misunderstand your directions. When we sit down at our table I notice something a little different. On one hand he has a ring on his pinky and on the other hand he has an almost identical ring on his middle finger. I don't question it, but mentally file this as the possible time of death for later. He begins talking like he has memorized a monologue. He has little to no interest in anything I have to say or any stories that I have from summer school. However, he really wants to tell me about his teaching schedule for next year, some technology things he's learned so far this summer, etc. Absolutely NONE of this applies to me or my school or 5th grade so I just nod my head. Finally he starts talking about Broadway! We have a decent exchange since we both are pretty well versed in musicals. He clearly is still pretty bitter about not getting cast in his 8TH GRADE play & that ruined theater for him in high school. Only recently has he gotten back into it. Let it go buddy, let it go! (Maybe if I had sung that like Elsa he would've listened to me!) Needless to say, as soon as dinner was over, this date was over too. One good thing may come from this though-I may have a new theater going buddy! (Don't worry, I'd pay for my own ticket!)

Time of death: The second I saw that 2nd ring!

The Sweater

This blog post could have also been titled Mr. Boring. That should put you in the correct frame of mind for what's to come. I was supposed to go out for coffee with The Sweater on Sunday, however I received a message that he had to postpone. Later on in the day he informed me that the changing weather gives him migraines and that he wasn't feeling up to it. The next available time I had was Friday, so we plan to reschedule for then. 

I can tell from his texts that he is fairly introverted and doesn't date a ton, but maybe I need this in my life. Hey, opposites attract right? So Friday rolls around & I ask what time he wants to meet up. He doesn't reply until late afternoon with, "Where would you like to go?" Uh, I thought we were getting coffee? He says, "Right I know we agree (sic) to meet for coffee." So what is the question? "Where & when?" WTF dude! You told me some coffee place downtown. So it turns out he doesn't even remember where we were supposed to meet in the first place. By now it's like 6:00 & I'm starving. Finally I inform him that I don't even drink coffee & we can go wherever. He says, "Neither do I lol. I just thought it would be a public place and would be easier since you seem apprehensive about the online dating thing." Uh what??? I'm about the least apprehensive person I know. Talk about misreading a room! So finally I have to take control & tell him that we're now going to meet on Saturday & here is where we are meeting with the time. I didn't know that I had to wear the pants in this relationship. This does not bode well for our meeting.

If you live anywhere in the Midwest, you know that this Memorial Day Weekend has been hot as balls! Unfortunately, we have to wait outside for a bit. He has been standing in line for 2 minutes when I walk up & he is already dripping sweat.  I mean he's sweating like a whore in church. There is so much sweat that he has a preacher sweat rag that he dabs himself with! We have to wait for probably a total of 45 minutes. During this wait we are outside for probably 10 of them. Every time I talk to him he has to lean in, so now I'm concerned about the amount of sweat this guy is producing as well as his hearing. I honestly have a better conversation with the group of girls in front of us than I do with him. He initiates ZERO conversation so it's up to me to come up with things to discuss. Right as we are about to order he finally comes up with a conversation starter-teachers having guns. What the hell? This is what you're going to lead with? He then asks about active shooter drills. So the ONLY question he asks me during this entire date is about school shootings. At this point, I'm ready to shoot myself. Then he makes me pay for my dinner!

As you can probably tell, the dinner conversation was pretty much all me trying to come up with things to talk about. He's still dabbing his sweat while eating and leaning in to hear me (because if you know me at all, you would definitely agree that I'm quiet!). I ask him what his favorite type of food is & he says Mexican. So I ask him if he means authentic Mexican or Tex-Mex. He assures me that he likes authentic Mexican, where "you just point to something on the menu because you can't pronounce it." So where's your favorite place to get this authentic Mexican food? "Oh, I usually go to Mi Ranchito." Oh. Here is the menu to Mi Ranchito in case you've never been there. I'm going to go out on a limb and say if a restaurant has a chimichanga on the menu, it's not exactly authentic. Obviously there are some definitely awkward long lulls in our conversation. When it's clear he's finished eating, he just sits there dabbing his sweat and looking off into space. After a weird 3 minutes of this, I finally say we should get going so that someone can have our table. He says that he is so glad that he got to finally meet me and we part ways.

Time of death: The second he used that sweat rag in an air conditioned building.

The Liar

I'm officially done with The Adult, so it's time to move on. I currently have 3 dates scheduled for this week & here is the update on Date #1. 

His name makes him sound worse than he really is. According to his profile he is a single Hispanic man that lives in Kansas City who works in finance. Now most of these things are in fact true. 

After chatting for a couple of weeks we agreed to meet at a Mexican restaurant. He chose Chuy's, which he spelled Chewy's. (This should have been Hint #1!) He showed up about 5 minutes late even though he used to live right by the restaurant. He was clearly nervous, but that's to be expected. He told me about his day with his mom which included telling off her neighbor who took down part of her fence because the neighbor was "taking advantage of living by a woman who lives by herself." Now granted the neighbor guy sounded like a jerk, but there is a theme here to being treated poorly. Dinner goes on with him asking many interview type questions & even comments that he hates first dates because they feel like interviews. I've never been asked on a date what my long term goals are, so that was a new one. About 1/2 way through dinner I was just talking like normal & he asks me if I like Seinfeld. I tell him that I've watched several episodes. He says, "But do you like it." I repeat that I've seen several episodes, but not every one. He then says, "I feel like I'm on a date with Seinfeld. If you could just do the voice that would be amazing." I'm going to take this as a compliment I guess. 

I went into this date a little apprehensive because although he was nice, I wasn't super attracted to him. I decided that I needed to meet him though to give him a fair chance. I wasn't really feeling it, so I made up an excuse about having to work on grade card comments and that I needed to translate them. He says, "Why do you need to translate them?" Ummm, because the parents don't all speak English. He asks if I teach at a special school. Ummmm, no, just a neighborhood school. He still seems confused, so I explain that my school is in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood & many of the parents are not strong in English. He looks baffled & says, "Huh, I thought I was culturally aware, but I guess I'm not." (This should have been Hint #2)  

Just then he asks me if he told me the story about him at the liquor store. He then says, "I'm sure you saw my name on my credit card." (For the record, I didn't even glance at the bill or his credit card. After last week, I was just glad I didn't have to pay.) "I know I told you my name was 'Phil' but it's actually 'Parsa.' So the lady at the liquor store looks at my credit card and then says, 'That's an interesting name. Where are you from?' I give her my usual answer, 'Olathe.' But then she says, but where are your parents from? I lie & say they are from here because immigration is a big issue for some people." (To be honest, I want to know where his parents are from at this point because 'Parsa' is DEFINITELY not a Hispanic name!) The lady then shows his ID to a couple of people in the liquor store commenting on what a unique name it is. He gets pissed with the lady & asks for his ID & credit card back because he is taking is business elsewhere. Now I know I have never been in this situation before, but I think there are some very different ways he could've handled this. I honestly think the lady was just curious as to how he got his name. I then learn that he was born in Pakistan (a LONG way from any Spanish speaking & therefore Hispanic country) & only lived there for 1 month before moving to America. I have no problem with this whatsoever, but why lie about it? If you're nervous about people not wanting to be with you because you are Middle Eastern, those are not the type of people you want to be with anyway. Also, why pick Hispanic? Your country is closer to the Caucasus Mountains (from which the word Caucasian comes from), why not just say you're Caucasian then? I left the date baffled. He definitely wants to see me again, but people who aren't comfortable with their ethnicity are not for me.

Time of death: When he called me Seinfeld (You didn't see that coming did you?)