The Vacuum

Sorry I've been a little absent lately.  You would think with all of this rainy weather I would have ample time to update, but I had to watch the new season of Orange is the New Black.  (It's REALLY good BTW!)  So between that, House of Cards & finally telling Mr. Darcy that there was no romantic connection, I've been a little busy.  For this post I decided to bring back an oldie-The Vacuum.  Oooh you say, this name sounds enticing.  Do not be deceived!  His real name is the same as a vacuum company.  :)

I literally went on one actual date with The Vacuum, but our relationship lasted a lot longer than simply one date.  Our one & only real date was at Cheeseburger in Paradise (I tend to have bad luck there).  We hit it off & had a great time.  Not even a week later The Vacuum informs me that he got a new job in the lovely mecca known as Branson!  If I was half as intelligent as I claim to be this would have been the end of The Vacuum, but I feel that you should know by now that I am a glutton for punishment.  We continued our relationship via text.  He was hilarious & it really felt like we were dating without actually going out on a date.  We discussed meeting up again, but he always had an excuse for not traveling up to KC.  In a very uncharacteristic move, I decided to drive down to Branson for President's Day weekend.  (It should be noted that I HATE road trips! I once flew to St. Louis to avoid driving there.)  As we are planning out the trip the sleeping situation arises.  As it turns out, although The Vacuum has 2 bedrooms, he only has 1 bed.  Ooooh, Single in KC might actually get some action.  You should know better than that by now!

I decided to drive down on Saturday morning instead of Friday night since driving is one of my least favorite things anyway.  I finally find his townhouse & text him that I had arrived.  I get my bag out of the car & am greeted at the door with, "Hey!"  He then proceeds to sit down in his recliner and continue watching golf.  We make some small talk & he asks how the drive was all the while my bag continues to sit next to me on the couch.  I had already planned to go to Mass while I was down there & checked out the time & directions (You didn't see that coming did you?) & I had 2 hours to kill.  I figured that we would do some catching up, but apparently golf was more important.   As Mass time gets closer I finally ask where I should put my bag.  "Uh, I guess you can put it in my room."  Well OK then.  I freshen up & head out the door.  As I'm driving I wonder what I had gotten myself into.  After more contemplation, I decide that he may just be nervous & that's why it's been awkward.  We had plans to get sushi (my first time) for dinner.  We made the trip up to Springfield since it is an actual city.  He showed me how to order & eat sushi (for which I am grateful) and then didn't have any big plan for afterwards.  We drove for a little bit around Springfield & then headed back to his place.  The Vacuum had an extensive movie collection & he so graciously let me choose what we watched.  I honestly can't remember what I picked, but the important thing is that he continued to sit in the recliner.  Translation-no snuggling during the movie.  Well now it's bed time.  The Vacuum has a queen sized bed (thankfully!).  I changed in the bathroom & came to bed.  He was already in bed & facing the wall.  I face the other way & try to go to sleep.  After about 10 minutes of contemplating my life choices in general I hear a sound that would wake the dead.  The Vacuum is snoring!  This is not normal snoring.  This is guttural primal animal noise snoring.  I have NEVER heard this kind of snoring today.  Seriously, I think he needs that Darth Vader mask thingy.  The incessant snoring continues for the next 30 minutes.  I nudged him, kicked him & wanted to suffocate him.  (This was in fact our most intimate moment & he doesn't even know about it.)  After no relief I decide to go sleep on the couch.  The pure silence was amazing & I fell asleep instantly.

I woke up first & decided to stay downstairs-I didn't want to expose myself to that noise again.  When The Vacuum came down he asked how I slept on the couch.  "Well anything was better than listening to your snoring."  "Sorry."  He then made some eggs for breakfast.  He asked what I had planned for the day.  Luckily I did have plans to do some outlet shopping!  I asked if he wanted to go too.  He said that he would go if I wanted him to.  Honestly, I just wanted some alone time.  On the drive into Branson I called my BFF & vented.  We were both really confused about everything & I decided I needed some retail therapy.  After buying a Coach purse & a dress for an upcoming rehearsal dinner (always the bridesmaid & never the bride) I felt pretty good.  I decided to get lunch while I was out shopping & I let him know so he wasn't waiting around.  When I got back to his place it was mid-afternoon.  I showed him my purchases & then we watched some TV.  As dinner time rolled around he suggested that we have frozen pizza.  The dinner of champions everyone!  We sit down, me on the couch him on the recliner, and watch yet another movie.  When the weather comes on I see that there is a chance of snow in the morning.  I am planning on leaving ASAP in the morning, but driving in the snow freaks me out.  When sleepy time comes he asks if I am going to come to bed.  I inform him that I will just sleep on the couch again.  He says he'll wake me up when he leaves for work so I can get up & moving to drive home.  He does as promised & finally leaves for work.  I let out a huge breath and feel the most comfortable I have the entire weekend as soon as he leaves.  Now I had brought a gift for him for letting me stay at his place during my "vacation" & I really ponder whether or not I should leave it.  My inner conscience gets the best of me & I leave the gift with a much nicer note than I should have.  As my luck would have it, it has already started snowing when I leave, but there is no way in hell I am staying in Branson another day!  I then make the long (and slow due to the weather) drive of shame back home.  Time of death: 8:45 pm  Unfortunately I then had to lay with the noisy corpse!