Scatter Brain

I realize that it's been a looooooong time since my last post, but life just gets in the way of dating. Way back on September 14 I potentially had 2 dates in the span of 2 weeks lined up. Neither one went through as planned. One of the dates sounded way more promising than the other one. The promising date happened 2 weeks later on the 28th. I have never had the experience of someone NOT looking like their pictures, but this guy really didn't. He must have used some trick photography or knew exactly what angle to be shot at, but it was just a buzz kill. He also spent a lot of time on his phone during our date while we watched the Chiefs on TV and all in all, it just wasn't a good time. So 0-1 on the date plans. 

Mr. Not So Promising, who I will from now on refer to as Scatter Brain, was/is HORRIBLE at responding to any sort of message. I really held out little hope. We made plans at least 3 times and he bailed/didn't respond EVERY time! Why would you continue to stick around you may ask? Well, now it seemed to be a bit of a challenge. Plus I wanted to find out if he really was that inconsiderate in life. We all have that friend (not naming names, but you know who you are) that doesn't text back. They may text you back in their mind, but not actually do it. Or they may just read your text and move on. For those of us who are religious texters, it is annoying to say the least. So I thought maybe this guy is just THAT guy to his friends. We FINALLY met up tonight and I must say, I'm torn.  I thought about making a PRO & CON list, but that sounded kind of bitchy. I will now just detail the evening (as per usual in my posts) and you can decide in which column I would put each event.  

We actually could've potentially met up last night after the Royals' game, but it went late. Not that he texted me to inform me of that, but I get it. For our first date, he would like me to come over and watch a movie & just "chill." Naturally I have reservations about this, but he assures me that he is not a rapist/serial killer. I'm no dummy, I text his address & a picture of him to my best friend with the instructions to come and find me if I don't call you before 10:00. He said we could meet at this bar across the street from his place and I assumed we would be having a drink there. Oh no, he asks me to get in his car and go to his place & he points it out. At this point I realize that at any point I could make a run for it because it is so close, so I agree. I get the grand tour of his house which is nice, but definitely lived in only by a boy, i.e. there is shaving gel in a cabinet next to the oven. Why do I know this you may ask, because it was out & he put it away while I was there. I didn't go snooping! So after some small talk, he suggests that we go downstairs where it is relatively cleaner. (His house is not messy by the way, just well lived in.) The downstairs is really cool and he has me sit in this vibrating chair. It was great, but at times I felt like I should also be getting a pedicure. (Side note, it turned off automatically and he would take the remote again and turn it on. Now that I think about it, he was probably just looking at my boobs jiggling while in the chair.)  

We had really good random conversations. Although he comes off as sort of privileged, he is super caring. We have a lot of the same beliefs and philosophies. He had a signed letter & picture from Obama framed downstairs. He told a really impassioned story about how he got it. I began thinking that this guy may not be such a douche after all. He looked through some vacation pictures I had and we swapped European travel stories. During this, he was somehow reminded to put his Chiefs tickets on Stubhub to sell for tomorrow's game. (If you're interested, I bet I could get you a good price.) Also during our fantastic talks he remembered that he had some football tickets to be framed at Hobby Lobby that he left there in 2011! WTF??? He called them up to see if they still had them. So it definitely wasn't only me that was forgotten at times. 

Now comes awkward time. He moves over to the couch and turns down the lights. Now on normal dates, I know what this means. I'm usually not in this situation on first dates though. So I go join him on the couch while he is unsuccessfully looking for musical movies that do not exist. (I TRIED to tell him!) I've been there for 2 hours now and I'm afraid my friend will start getting worried and I also am NOT about to make out with this dude (especially since he hasn't bought me dinner!) so I make up some lame excuse as to why I need to head home. He tries to get me to stay, but to no avail. He drops me off at my car, says what a good time he had and that we should do it again much sooner & then kisses me. I don't usually kiss on a first date-not as a rule, just as a circumstance. But it wasn't bad. Maybe I should've stayed a little longer........
Time of death: Still in question

Good Ol' Boy

There is clearly a theme growing with these latest posts. This evening's date is originally from a small town in Missouri. However he is a series of conflicting characteristics. On one hand, he works on cars and used to be a truck driver. On the other, he has season tickets to the opera. One of his pictures has him smoking a pipe while next to a tractor and then the next he's in suspenders and a bow tie. Naturally I needed to meet this character.

Now I usually engage in some sort of conversation with a potential beau for at least a week before agreeing to meet up with them. I made an exception for the Good Ol' Boy. After literally messaging each other for one evening I agreed to go out with him the next day. Might as well not waste any more time than I have to I guess. We met at his favorite sushi restaurant (yes, he likes sushi!) and I must say, it was some of the best sushi I've ever had! Our conversation was interesting & varied. I should probably mention here that he is 6 years younger than me. Although I don't really have a problem with this, he did seem to talk about high school & college a lot. This could be due to his age (high school & college weren't that long ago) or being from a small town or just not a lot of life experience. After dinner, he wanted to go to a movie. I had already seen the movie he wanted to see, so he suggested walking down by the river. Now I know that those of you who worry about me are thinking, "Don't do it! He's going to kill you & throw you in the river!" I'm not going to lie the thought crossed my mind. Then I pictured him in a bow tie & thought, "You NEVER hear of a murderer who wears a bow tie!" So against my better judgement, I got in his car & we walked the trail by the river. Our differences became glaring in our lakeside conversation. He talked about cars & motors, camping, float trips, not liking air conditioning, and guns (AGAIN!). He definitely got the idea that I am more of a princess than Katniss.

After the walk (which I clearly survived) he wanted to go get ice cream. I was too stuffed, plus I was contemplating on if I wanted another date with this dude, so I ended our date. He has already texted me several times and it hasn't even been an hour. Part of me is glad that none of those texts are dick pics. He's obviously a decent guy. Part of me wouldn't have been upset if he hadn't texted me again. I'm definitely up in the air with this one. We'll have to wait & see.  Maybe I should ask him if he has any wildlife in his house???

The Woodworker

So lately this guy has been hitting me up on-line. Here's the thing though, we've already met. I have not responded at all, but from his e-mails I'm thinking he may have forgotten about our "date." I'm using the quotation marks there for a reason that will soon become clear. 

I met The Woodworker on the same site he is currently hitting me up on. I will admit, he looked OK in his picture, but the rest of his stats seemed on point. (I refuse to use the word "fleek!") He had his doctorate, no kids, not a smoker, etc. We e-mailed & texted a lot, but hadn't met. Through our correspondence I learned that one of his hobbies was crafting things out of wood. I thought this would come in really handy & began to dream of the new deck I would have with brand new adirondack chairs that he would build for me. (OK, I might be a little materialistic.) I can't remember why we hadn't met up, but I remember EXACTLY when we did. I was at a wedding, feeling all romantic & what not & decided I would just drop by. Against my better judgement, I got his address & said I would be over soon. I found his townhouse and when I walked in, I noticed that it clearly wasn't finished. The stairway was open underneath & was definitely a work in progress. Now this didn't really bother me. But there was sawdust EVERYWHERE! On top of that, this guy was in a stained wife-beater (for lack of a better term) and gym shorts. He looked like crap! From my estimation his on-line picture was taken at least 5 years prior. (Side note, he's still using the same picture!) He was just sitting there watching TV.  He moved some clean laundry off the couch to make room for me. It was super awkward! Now I realize I kind of sprung it on him, but he had at least 30 minutes to make himself look presentable. Plus I was at a wedding, so I looked super cute! I left after about 25 minutes of TV watching. It was definitely one of the oddest dates I've been on, and as you know, that is saying something! 

Time of death: the second I saw that stain on his wife-beater

Now he's hitting me up again, so this has me wondering. Was I that forgettable? Surely not! Maybe he has blocked the entire "relationship" out of his mind. I wouldn't blame him for that. Honestly I had until I saw his picture up again. But surely he remembers what I looked like! Does he think I'm that dumb that I won't remember & he gets a second chance? Surely that can't be it. Have I come to the end of the internet when guys I've already "dated" are hitting me up again? Have we all become that desperate? Yeah, I was being really picky the first time around, but this is years later & I still haven't found anyone, so maybe you'll do? Sorry buddy, it's never going to happen.  Now about those adirondack chairs...........

Cigar Man

Finally, an update! I realize that it has been quite some time since I last updated my blog. It is not from lack of trying! It's hard out there people! Surprisingly, my latest date was from Tinder. Now if you remember my last Tinder date, well, it didn't go so well. If you need a refresher, click here. I've continued to play the Tinder game because, well, you never know and I'm always up for new experiences. So I was a little hesitant when I matched up with someone who actually wanted to go out instead of sending me penis pics.

His schedule is pretty crazy since he is a salesman and he is new to KC. I feel like this is all good information because now he won't be jaded by the crappy dating life that we have here. After several missed attempts at setting up a time to meet (as we know, I'm pretty free during the summer so this was mainly due to his work schedule) we finally went out tonight. I pretty much knew absolutely nothing about him since we had only talked via Tinder, so I figured we had a lot to catch up on. It turns out that he is (as far as I can tell)..........NORMAL. How odd is that? I may have found the ONE normal person that is actually looking for a relationship (and not just a sexual one) on Tinder. I feel like I've struck gold! I never should have doubted you Tinder.....oh wait a minute, yes, I have every reason to doubt you Tinder! But thanks for coming through for me on this one! I can't even write about any weird things that happened on the date because it was just so normal. I've missed having dates with normal people! The oddest thing about him is that he sells cigars. We've already said that we are going to go out again to get BBQ. NORMAL! I am sitting here typing & I can still smell his cologne on my dress. I've missed the smell of men! Maybe I've lowered my standards so much that normal seems amazing. Oh well, normal will do just fine for now!

*UPDATE: Well Mr. Normal may not be so normal after all. After quite a long time in between dates I agreed to drive 45 minutes to his apartment for Date #2. As soon as I walk in, I am greeted to a towering elk in his living room. Yes the elk was dead. Yes the elk was killed by him. Yes the elk was stuffed. Actually it was just half of an elk, but there were rocks at its feet which really added to the ambiance. This elk was so towering, I almost missed the deer head above the couch. There were also deer antlers in another room. So just picture this for a moment: if we were to actually make-out on the couch I would have both an elk & a deer critiquing me! I can't take that kind of pressure. Cigar Man also had Conceal & Carry class to go to the next day AND had recently "won" an African hunting trip in a silent auction. Sorry Mr. NRA, this isn't going to work.  Time of death: The SECOND I saw that elk!

Updates & Surprisingly, I am Picky

First, the updates: After trying to give BDE a 2nd chance, he stood me up this week for our first meeting.  I haven't heard from him since, so he is either actually dead or just dead to me. Either way, I'm over it. 

Renaissance Man has informed me that after graduating he will be moving back home which is somewhere in southern Missouri, so we're back to square one.

Now after reading my blog, you may think that I will literally go on a date with anyone. This is simply not true. Surprisingly, I do have standards, and even if I think it may make good blog material, I turn down some SUPER losers. I thought it might be fun to type a typical conversation I've had with people on-line. This is verbatim an exchange with a rather attractive gentleman who sought me out today. I will call him Snap Chat. I will also not change any of the spelling or punctuation for your enjoyment.

Snap Chat: Hello
Me: Hi
S C: Ur vert pretty im "Snap Chat"
Me: Thanks! My name is "Single in KC."
S C: Nice to.meet u single in kc!
Me: Nice to meet you.
S C: Do.u text or have kik hun
(Obviously, I already see this guy for the douche he is, but I play along.)
Me: Nope
S C: Do u text
Me: Not before I meet someone (blatant lie)
S C: Well id love to text
Me: Sorry, I stick to my rules. (He totally wants to send a penis pic)
S C: Plz.i dont send penis pics
(Ha ha! I knew it! He's totally a penis pic sender!)
Me: Why can't you just use this site?
S C: Ok hun but i wont send penis pics
Me: Good to know.
S C: Sum.women looooooove penis pics i dont
Me: I'm not one of those women.
S C: Ok good cuz im not a penis shower 
(He's TOTALLY a penis shower!)
Me: OK
S C: Ok
Me: Now that we have penis talk out of the way, why don't you tell me about yourself.
S C: Well i love to cuddle
Me: Ok, good to know. Anything else I should know?
S C: Ilike women with curves
Me: What about your personality?

End of conversation   Time of death: your first spelling error

The Renaissance Man

Seeing as though BDE didn't work out so well, I'm back out in the dating world. Luckily, my first date went really well! The Renaissance Man is so named because he has 3 different degrees and is working on another.  None of these degrees are really related. He is therefore kind of a jack of all trades & a master of none. In fact, our date (although it lasted almost 2 hours) had to be cut short because he had to get to his night job. 

Our date was at a local dive bar. Luckily the weather was nice so we were able to sit out on the patio. Naturally, the Renaissance Man is a fantastic conversationalist. We talked about everything under the sun-authentic taco joints to mental institutions. At one point he even checked my arms for good veins to get blood out of-it's part of his latest degree. He asked about some of my dating history. After hearing some of my stories, he said, "You could actually make money off that or something. Maybe write some of those down & sell them." Good idea! Where is my money readers???? All in all, the date was great & hopefully we'll be going out again soon. Time of death: according to my vein check, this one is still pumping!

Best.Date.Ever!

This blog will certainly not be as entertaining as my usual posts, but everyone needs good news now and again. I just went on the best date ever! Was it because of where we went? No! Was it because of how much money he spent on me? No! Was it because of the company? YES! 

The date started off on rocky ground. I went to get in my car & my car wouldn't start. Oh crap! So I lift the hood and everything looks OK. I brush off some corrosion and try again. Click click click. I immediately call my wonderful sister to see if she will come & pick me up and take me to get my dad's car. She agrees. I text Best Date Ever to tell him that I am running late, but I will be there ASAP. I decide to tighten some bolts on my battery & I see some sparks. I try my car again & voila, the car starts. I call Best Date Ever, but he doesn't answer. On my way to the shop to get it looked at he calls & I tell him the situation. He offers to pick me up from the shop or do whatever I need him to do. He even goes and waits in his car in case I need him to come pick me up. I tell my sob story to the nice mechanic and he goes to look at my car. After all 4 workers have looked at my car & poured hot water on the connectors, he brings me my keys and says, "Hope you're not too late for your date!" 

Best Date Ever (I will now abbreviate it BDE) has patiently been waiting for sushi for 30 minutes now. We get a table & the conversation flows. He is hilarious & basically has the same sense of humor I do. (So I guess that is like saying I'm hilarious....oh well!) We talk about anything & everything. At one point he says, "I'm so glad you don't have a weird voice." "What?" "When you said that you didn't like talking on the phone, but that you didn't have a weird voice, I thought for sure you had a weird voice!" After our 2 hour date (no that is not including the 30 minutes he waited for me) he walked me to my car to make sure it started. I told him that we should definitely hang out again soon & he said, "I wholeheartedly agree. Is there some sort of rule about waiting 3 days or something?" "No, there are no rules." "I'm kind of a rule breaker anyway. I will call, no text you tomorrow because you don't like to talk on the phone." "I don't have any work to do this weekend, so you can call." "I will definitely do that!"

The end. No time of death because this baby is alive & kicking!

Lazy Eye

You've already read the title & know where this is going, but before I talk about Lazy Eye, I will address Bush Lover (yes, after reading that name I realize that it sounds perverse, but I will keep it).  If you follow my Facebook page for this blog, then you know that I was supposed to go on a date on December 23rd. This date was set in early December, but Bush Lover had a gig every weekend playing percussion for a dinner theater so we had to wait until the 23rd. This prolonged period before a date turned out to be a blessing! To begin with, Bush Lover was bipolar. This is my own assessment & not one made by an actual psychologist, but I feel pretty confident in this assessment. One day he would be on the highest high yelling with excitement into the phone. (Yes, he called me, which by now you should know annoys me! I'm a texter people!) Then the next he would be depressed & talking about how he almost died & that maybe he should be celibate & would I mind dating someone who was celibate. All of these conversations were completely one-sided because I just listened as he droned on and on and on. He told me the same story multiple times-he really liked to tell me that he died once. He also doesn't believe in heaven because when he "died" he just saw black. Also, he voted for George Bush TWICE for president-red flag numero dos for me. Finally, his voice sounded like Marge Simpson's sisters. If you are not familiar with what they sound like, click here. He got the flu the week before we were supposed to go out. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days & thought I was off the hook. On the 23rd at 11:00am I get this text, "I'm a complete asshole. I worked until 930 last night and totally stood you up. Can you forgive me?" Thank you God for giving me an out!

Now, on to Lazy Eye. Obviously, the lazy eye was not apparent in his profile picture. I know this makes me sound superficial, but can I do a lazy eye? I'm not really sure I can. It was so bad that at a few points during the date I literally did not know which eye to look at. He also looked like Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons. It seems like I am on a Simpsons kick! Again, if you do not know who that is, click here. Now, I may be able to overlook this (actually, let's be honest, no I'm not), if the conversation was captivating. Sadly, it was not. If you know me, you know that I can talk at any time about any subject for lengthy periods of time. I had to do A LOT of talking on this date. His responses usually included only the word "Interesting." Ummm.....are you even paying attention Lazy Eye? One benefit to his lazy eye was that he could keep one eye on me & one on the TV behind me. Maybe the eye on me wasn't the one paying attention. Some people may think that I was boring him. I assure you, that was not the case. After we ate I was definitely ready to be done, but this is when he actually started talking. His main topic of conversation-high school. Wow! We are in our mid-30s, high school is definitely not something we need to discuss. I don't care about the teacher who taught you how to write papers, or the stupid final one of your teachers gave you one time. That was 15 years ago! Get over it!

Finally the date ended after I told him I needed to get home. I was tired of hearing about high school, the trip he took in high school & how he would make an excellent college professor. As we left he again told me about the weather that we had already discussed. Naturally I've already gotten a text from him about how it was so great getting to know me. On the plus side, at least he doesn't call. He sticks strictly to texting! But, what do I do? I mean I'm pretty sure I can't deal with the lazy eye, but I don't want to seem like a heartless bitch. On the other hand, do I really care what he thinks of me? Time of death-the second my eyes only met one of his.