This blog post could have also been titled Mr. Boring. That should put you in the correct frame of mind for what's to come. I was supposed to go out for coffee with The Sweater on Sunday, however I received a message that he had to postpone. Later on in the day he informed me that the changing weather gives him migraines and that he wasn't feeling up to it. The next available time I had was Friday, so we plan to reschedule for then.
I can tell from his texts that he is fairly introverted and doesn't date a ton, but maybe I need this in my life. Hey, opposites attract right? So Friday rolls around & I ask what time he wants to meet up. He doesn't reply until late afternoon with, "Where would you like to go?" Uh, I thought we were getting coffee? He says, "Right I know we agree (sic) to meet for coffee." So what is the question? "Where & when?" WTF dude! You told me some coffee place downtown. So it turns out he doesn't even remember where we were supposed to meet in the first place. By now it's like 6:00 & I'm starving. Finally I inform him that I don't even drink coffee & we can go wherever. He says, "Neither do I lol. I just thought it would be a public place and would be easier since you seem apprehensive about the online dating thing." Uh what??? I'm about the least apprehensive person I know. Talk about misreading a room! So finally I have to take control & tell him that we're now going to meet on Saturday & here is where we are meeting with the time. I didn't know that I had to wear the pants in this relationship. This does not bode well for our meeting.
If you live anywhere in the Midwest, you know that this Memorial Day Weekend has been hot as balls! Unfortunately, we have to wait outside for a bit. He has been standing in line for 2 minutes when I walk up & he is already dripping sweat. I mean he's sweating like a whore in church. There is so much sweat that he has a preacher sweat rag that he dabs himself with! We have to wait for probably a total of 45 minutes. During this wait we are outside for probably 10 of them. Every time I talk to him he has to lean in, so now I'm concerned about the amount of sweat this guy is producing as well as his hearing. I honestly have a better conversation with the group of girls in front of us than I do with him. He initiates ZERO conversation so it's up to me to come up with things to discuss. Right as we are about to order he finally comes up with a conversation starter-teachers having guns. What the hell? This is what you're going to lead with? He then asks about active shooter drills. So the ONLY question he asks me during this entire date is about school shootings. At this point, I'm ready to shoot myself. Then he makes me pay for my dinner!
As you can probably tell, the dinner conversation was pretty much all me trying to come up with things to talk about. He's still dabbing his sweat while eating and leaning in to hear me (because if you know me at all, you would definitely agree that I'm quiet!). I ask him what his favorite type of food is & he says Mexican. So I ask him if he means authentic Mexican or Tex-Mex. He assures me that he likes authentic Mexican, where "you just point to something on the menu because you can't pronounce it." So where's your favorite place to get this authentic Mexican food? "Oh, I usually go to Mi Ranchito." Oh. Here is the menu to Mi Ranchito in case you've never been there. I'm going to go out on a limb and say if a restaurant has a chimichanga on the menu, it's not exactly authentic. Obviously there are some definitely awkward long lulls in our conversation. When it's clear he's finished eating, he just sits there dabbing his sweat and looking off into space. After a weird 3 minutes of this, I finally say we should get going so that someone can have our table. He says that he is so glad that he got to finally meet me and we part ways.
Time of death: The second he used that sweat rag in an air conditioned building.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Sunday, May 13, 2018
The Liar
I'm officially done with The Adult, so it's time to move on. I currently have 3 dates scheduled for this week & here is the update on Date #1.
His name makes him sound worse than he really is. According to his profile he is a single Hispanic man that lives in Kansas City who works in finance. Now most of these things are in fact true.
After chatting for a couple of weeks we agreed to meet at a Mexican restaurant. He chose Chuy's, which he spelled Chewy's. (This should have been Hint #1!) He showed up about 5 minutes late even though he used to live right by the restaurant. He was clearly nervous, but that's to be expected. He told me about his day with his mom which included telling off her neighbor who took down part of her fence because the neighbor was "taking advantage of living by a woman who lives by herself." Now granted the neighbor guy sounded like a jerk, but there is a theme here to being treated poorly. Dinner goes on with him asking many interview type questions & even comments that he hates first dates because they feel like interviews. I've never been asked on a date what my long term goals are, so that was a new one. About 1/2 way through dinner I was just talking like normal & he asks me if I like Seinfeld. I tell him that I've watched several episodes. He says, "But do you like it." I repeat that I've seen several episodes, but not every one. He then says, "I feel like I'm on a date with Seinfeld. If you could just do the voice that would be amazing." I'm going to take this as a compliment I guess.
I went into this date a little apprehensive because although he was nice, I wasn't super attracted to him. I decided that I needed to meet him though to give him a fair chance. I wasn't really feeling it, so I made up an excuse about having to work on grade card comments and that I needed to translate them. He says, "Why do you need to translate them?" Ummm, because the parents don't all speak English. He asks if I teach at a special school. Ummmm, no, just a neighborhood school. He still seems confused, so I explain that my school is in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood & many of the parents are not strong in English. He looks baffled & says, "Huh, I thought I was culturally aware, but I guess I'm not." (This should have been Hint #2)
Just then he asks me if he told me the story about him at the liquor store. He then says, "I'm sure you saw my name on my credit card." (For the record, I didn't even glance at the bill or his credit card. After last week, I was just glad I didn't have to pay.) "I know I told you my name was 'Phil' but it's actually 'Parsa.' So the lady at the liquor store looks at my credit card and then says, 'That's an interesting name. Where are you from?' I give her my usual answer, 'Olathe.' But then she says, but where are your parents from? I lie & say they are from here because immigration is a big issue for some people." (To be honest, I want to know where his parents are from at this point because 'Parsa' is DEFINITELY not a Hispanic name!) The lady then shows his ID to a couple of people in the liquor store commenting on what a unique name it is. He gets pissed with the lady & asks for his ID & credit card back because he is taking is business elsewhere. Now I know I have never been in this situation before, but I think there are some very different ways he could've handled this. I honestly think the lady was just curious as to how he got his name. I then learn that he was born in Pakistan (a LONG way from any Spanish speaking & therefore Hispanic country) & only lived there for 1 month before moving to America. I have no problem with this whatsoever, but why lie about it? If you're nervous about people not wanting to be with you because you are Middle Eastern, those are not the type of people you want to be with anyway. Also, why pick Hispanic? Your country is closer to the Caucasus Mountains (from which the word Caucasian comes from), why not just say you're Caucasian then? I left the date baffled. He definitely wants to see me again, but people who aren't comfortable with their ethnicity are not for me.
Time of death: When he called me Seinfeld (You didn't see that coming did you?)
His name makes him sound worse than he really is. According to his profile he is a single Hispanic man that lives in Kansas City who works in finance. Now most of these things are in fact true.
After chatting for a couple of weeks we agreed to meet at a Mexican restaurant. He chose Chuy's, which he spelled Chewy's. (This should have been Hint #1!) He showed up about 5 minutes late even though he used to live right by the restaurant. He was clearly nervous, but that's to be expected. He told me about his day with his mom which included telling off her neighbor who took down part of her fence because the neighbor was "taking advantage of living by a woman who lives by herself." Now granted the neighbor guy sounded like a jerk, but there is a theme here to being treated poorly. Dinner goes on with him asking many interview type questions & even comments that he hates first dates because they feel like interviews. I've never been asked on a date what my long term goals are, so that was a new one. About 1/2 way through dinner I was just talking like normal & he asks me if I like Seinfeld. I tell him that I've watched several episodes. He says, "But do you like it." I repeat that I've seen several episodes, but not every one. He then says, "I feel like I'm on a date with Seinfeld. If you could just do the voice that would be amazing." I'm going to take this as a compliment I guess.
I went into this date a little apprehensive because although he was nice, I wasn't super attracted to him. I decided that I needed to meet him though to give him a fair chance. I wasn't really feeling it, so I made up an excuse about having to work on grade card comments and that I needed to translate them. He says, "Why do you need to translate them?" Ummm, because the parents don't all speak English. He asks if I teach at a special school. Ummmm, no, just a neighborhood school. He still seems confused, so I explain that my school is in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood & many of the parents are not strong in English. He looks baffled & says, "Huh, I thought I was culturally aware, but I guess I'm not." (This should have been Hint #2)
Just then he asks me if he told me the story about him at the liquor store. He then says, "I'm sure you saw my name on my credit card." (For the record, I didn't even glance at the bill or his credit card. After last week, I was just glad I didn't have to pay.) "I know I told you my name was 'Phil' but it's actually 'Parsa.' So the lady at the liquor store looks at my credit card and then says, 'That's an interesting name. Where are you from?' I give her my usual answer, 'Olathe.' But then she says, but where are your parents from? I lie & say they are from here because immigration is a big issue for some people." (To be honest, I want to know where his parents are from at this point because 'Parsa' is DEFINITELY not a Hispanic name!) The lady then shows his ID to a couple of people in the liquor store commenting on what a unique name it is. He gets pissed with the lady & asks for his ID & credit card back because he is taking is business elsewhere. Now I know I have never been in this situation before, but I think there are some very different ways he could've handled this. I honestly think the lady was just curious as to how he got his name. I then learn that he was born in Pakistan (a LONG way from any Spanish speaking & therefore Hispanic country) & only lived there for 1 month before moving to America. I have no problem with this whatsoever, but why lie about it? If you're nervous about people not wanting to be with you because you are Middle Eastern, those are not the type of people you want to be with anyway. Also, why pick Hispanic? Your country is closer to the Caucasus Mountains (from which the word Caucasian comes from), why not just say you're Caucasian then? I left the date baffled. He definitely wants to see me again, but people who aren't comfortable with their ethnicity are not for me.
Time of death: When he called me Seinfeld (You didn't see that coming did you?)
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
The Veteran
Well, The Adult has been out of town for ANOTHER month & may have to move (Yes, this is how my love life goes!), so I decided that I needed something to pass the time. I started chatting up The Veteran and he very quickly wanted to meet. During our chat he asked if I had ever been married or close to marriage. I answered no & then I had to settle in for the longest text message I have ever seen. He went on for paragraphs about how in 2007 (Yes 10 years ago!) he was almost engaged. It took him 6 years to "emotionally recover fully." In this paragraph I learned that he used to be a pothead, joined the Army, quit being a pothead, cheated with someone near the army base, didn't tell her, got stationed in Korea, had his friends saying that she was cheating on him, was a "cauldron of emotions," he couldn't get over it & blamed himself. I'm telling you, a loooooooooong text. Why would I still agree to meet this dude? Because he said he listened to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack the other day. I'm a sucker for show tunes!
We met at a local BBQ joint & I literally only had an hour before I had somewhere else to be. This proved to be good luck! The minute he smiled all I could see were his yellow teeth! He also had a big lumberjack beard that I can only assume he's let grow out to somewhat mask the yellow teeth. He also made me pay for my own food. Now I'm all for eventually paying for my own food or taking turns, but on the first date it kind of annoys me. So I already wasn't really feeling this guy. I was kind of wishing he had a Phantom mask on to halfway hide the beard & teeth. As we are talking, he is somewhat amusing and we share some of the same views on some important topics (i.e. Q39 is highly overrated). He then tells me that he went to a local high school for a year. I ask him what brought him to my side of town & I learn that he was a troubled youth & in foster care. I think this may have been the pothead time, but I am not sure. I then learn that he did some time in jail as well. As much as I believe in rehabilitation, this is too many strikes for me. Luckily, my hour was over & I had to jet out of there! Thank God for small favors. (Oh yeah, he doesn't believe in God!)
Time of death: the second he smiled.
We met at a local BBQ joint & I literally only had an hour before I had somewhere else to be. This proved to be good luck! The minute he smiled all I could see were his yellow teeth! He also had a big lumberjack beard that I can only assume he's let grow out to somewhat mask the yellow teeth. He also made me pay for my own food. Now I'm all for eventually paying for my own food or taking turns, but on the first date it kind of annoys me. So I already wasn't really feeling this guy. I was kind of wishing he had a Phantom mask on to halfway hide the beard & teeth. As we are talking, he is somewhat amusing and we share some of the same views on some important topics (i.e. Q39 is highly overrated). He then tells me that he went to a local high school for a year. I ask him what brought him to my side of town & I learn that he was a troubled youth & in foster care. I think this may have been the pothead time, but I am not sure. I then learn that he did some time in jail as well. As much as I believe in rehabilitation, this is too many strikes for me. Luckily, my hour was over & I had to jet out of there! Thank God for small favors. (Oh yeah, he doesn't believe in God!)
Time of death: the second he smiled.
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