The Biker

I've been back to work this week so that has really slowed down the ol' dating life.  However, at one point last night I was having a texting conversation with 5 different guys.  Needless to say, that was exhausting!  Hopefully all of this "work" will lead to good blog posts in the future.....or a guy I actually WANT to date.

Tonight's date was originally scheduled during the famous Spring Break of Dates that was not to be.  We literally (yes I know the correct use of that word) rescheduled this date 5 times.  I usually wouldn't even bother, but I really wanted to meet my goal!  This guy was a real walking paradox (look who's using the big words this time).  As the title would suggest, he is a biker, a Harley biker to be exact.  So get that stereotype in your head and now give him a master's degree.  It's an interesting combination.  He really is a good texter & has a fun personality.  He uses phrases such as "damn skippy" and "be there or be square."  Call me crazy, but I find those things endearing in guy.  

So we are supposed to meet at a Mexican restaurant.  I get a text from him on the way that it is a 45 minute wait.  OK, it's Saturday, that's what it's going to have to be.  However, I can't find a parking place to save my life.  I call him to relay this information and he says to pull up & we'll go somewhere else.  Now this could be a scary situation, but he says things like "OMG" & watches "Mike & Molly" so obviously he can't be a bad guy. I do an initial drive by & see him standing outside-------in his biker gear!  Oh hell!  It's one thing to be a biker, but we don't need to flaunt that shit Mr. Damn Skippy!  I pull around again to pick him up and we head down the street to another restaurant.  I find a parking spot by a miracle of God and we head inside.  Guess how long the wait is there--45 minutes!  We decide to wait.  Now Biker Guy's profile picture had him in sunglasses & this was a good move on his part because he has far apart eyes like a hammerhead shark.  That sounds bitchy, but I only speak the truth!  While we are waiting Hammerhead Biker Guy informs me that he has been out riding all day-duh!  I begin to wonder if he has showered in between the time he has been riding and our date.  I look down to check his nails-NOPE, definitely no shower!  GUH-ROSS!  Let's take a little pride in our appearance here.  I put on make-up & perfume for you.  The least you can do is shower after you've been on a motorcycle all day!  Now while we are waiting a guy comes up to him that he used to work with.  They chat for awhile and then he introduces me.....by the wrong name!  It was close, but not correct.  Imagine your name is Cathy & he introduces you as Cindy.  I didn't correct him.  However, he kind of redeems himself as more people walk in.  We seem to have the same sense of humor & make fun of the exact same people as we are people watching.  I begin to think that maybe if I just stand far enough away so that I don't smell him and don't look him in the eye, this could be an OK date.

As the waiter take us to our booth I go in the far seat, but the second I sit down he says, "Could you switch seats with me?  I have this phobia about sitting with my back to the door."  Uh, OK.  I could care less, so I switch seats with him.  No further explanation of this phobia occurs.  Whatever!  He then goes on to talk for the next 45 minutes straight!  Topics include, but are not limited to:  his dead racist father, his deadbeat brothers that live at home, meth head brother whose children are in the custody of his mother, telling his brother to quit pot just for a year to get his kids back & then you can smoke all you want, him not being a racist, being scared of a credit check when he got his new job, a trip to Sturgis that involved his girlfriend getting in a fight with the people they were staying with and riding a motorcycle all the way home, being passed out drunk when said fight was occurring, having a Samoan roommate so that proves he's not racist, getting hit on a gay bar, living with a woman who had her 22 year old son living with them too.  The list could go on!  Are these stories to entertain me or scare me away?  I really couldn't tell.  

As I said earlier though, we did bond over making fun of the same people.  Is that really something to build a relationship on?  No.  Would I want to bring him home to mom?  No.  Would I mind getting another free meal from him?  Maybe.  For right now we'll put him on life support.

The Car Dealer

Most people have a preconceived notion of car dealers.  I have the same one-they're sales people (read douche bags), they lie to people all day and have inflated egos.  Like I said, I too have this picture of car dealers in my head.  That did not however stop me from trying to go out with one.  Notice the word TRY in the above sentence.  This Spring Break goal is a total bust!

I first encountered The Car Dealer about 3 years ago.  For the life of me I can't remember why we never met up (upon further review & how our interaction went this time I can make an educated guess), but I distinctly remember him inviting me over to swim in a pool.  Sorry, but our first meeting will not include me in a swimming suit.

Round 2 with The Car Dealer came about when I set my 5 date goal for myself.  He happened to pop up on Plenty of Fish again (if you are on POF, please do yourself a favor & get off ASAP!).  He immediately said we should meet up, I of course agree, while in my mind calculating how many dates I already had set up this week & getting excited that I might actually make my goal.

We planned to meet up on Saturday after he got off of work which was 7:00.  I text him at about 4:00 to see where he wants to meet up, he says he doesn't know but will figure something out.  7:30 rolls around (I haven't eaten) & I text him again.  He says that he is still at work.  I decide not to wait on him & get something to eat myself.  8:15 and I get a text that he is just now leaving work.  I ask if we should reschedule, he says yes for tomorrow since he is off.  Great!

Take 2-Sunday 12:30 I text to see what he has in store for us.  He says that he doesn't have a clue but will figure something out.  I text him at 6:30, 7:20, 8:45, & 10:00 all with no response & yes my texts are getting bitchier by the hour.  Now any self-respecting woman would just write the chump off, but I am on a mission dang it!  The next morning I send him an e-mail via POF & basically to snoop & see if he's on-line.  Low & behold he is!  I write that I'm glad to know he's alive.  He texts me back saying that (and here's where it gets good) he's alive & OK now that he is out of the hospital.  I ask what happened & he says that he fell down the stairs of his house and got a concussion.  His roommate could see that I was texting, but didn't know what to say since he hadn't met me.  At this point I realize that this is going to make for a fantastic blog entry so I go along.  He says that he is off tomorrow (Tuesday) so we can meet for dinner.

Take 3-Tuesday 1:00 I text to see if he has figured out plans for what we should do this evening.  He replies, "I don't know yet."   I begin to wonder if he has this as an auto-reply on his phone.  5:20 I ask how his day off of work was.  He replies that it was boring & he still had people from work calling him (you know he's so important!).  I ask if he knows what he wants to do tonight.  He says that his head still hurts & he's going to take a one hour nap.  I ask if we should just reschedule again (because I know this is going to be good!) and he says, "Whoa!  I'm just going to take a quick nap."  Cut to 7:20 I ask how his head is, 7:44 I ask if he's fallen again, 9:00 I tell him I feel like I'm on Punk'd & 10:20 tell him to text me when he wakes up.  

This morning I ask him how his "hour" nap was.  He says, "Ya it was longer than anticipated.  I slept through 4 alarms."  I said, "Well I guess the third time wasn't the charm."  He responds with, "What can I say, I needed rest?  You know where I work you could have a lunch date with me."  (Oh can I, can I please!)  Instead I say, "Well you could say you're sorry."  "Nope, will not."  Well this is a new one for me!  "Dare I ask why?"  "Cause I needed sleep."  I explain that while I understand that, he has still left me sitting at home 3 times when I could've been out doing other things.  My time matters too you know!  "Ya but you have whole weekends lol."  LOL?  What is funny about that?  Are you literally laughing out loud that I have "whole weekends" free?  I, by the way, do not have "whole weekends" free & spend much of my time still doing work.  He says that he can't help it that he's busy & works 75 hours a week.  (Yeah, you looked real busy watching the KU game at work last week!)  I inform him that working that much is his choice & that I cannot be at his beck & call.  He then tells me to come visit him at work.  I inform him that I am busy & he says, "Ya whatever.  The last time I checked lunch isn't a 12 hour deal.  I work 8:30 to 8."  (Oh aren't you special!)  "Sorry you don't have anytime.  Good luck."  Wait a minute, what just happened here?  I am not willing to come on command and this is what happens?  "No days off no holidays off for this guy except for sundays.  I have a very difficult schedule.  I wish I had your schedule lol."  Again with the LOL!  I only respond with, "WOW!"  "What I mean you have no time and u have a week off. Give me a break lol."  "Wow!"  "I can make time & I get up at 6 and work til 8 lol."  (I now begin to wonder if he has a default ending to every text.)  Well nice knowing you!  Time of death-10:32 am.  (I don't think I've ever had a morning time of death before!  He's memorable for so many reasons now!)

The Razorback

I finally had date #1 of Spring Break tonight-St. Patrick's Day (the reasons for the delays will come in later posts).  We will call him The Razorback.  I don't know if any of you have that one guy that you "keep in your back pocket" so to say.  You know, the one you can call/text whenever and he'll go out with you or go to a function with you & if you really wanted him to, he'd sleep with you.  The Razorback is that guy for me.  This sounds bitchy, but I texted him for the sole purpose of meeting my quota for the week.  

Going out with The Razorback is what I imagine mother's feel like during child birth after they've already had one kid-I always think it sounds like a great idea at the time, but I've forgotten how painful it is.  "Maybe this time it will work." "Why have I not talked to him in so long?"  All of these things run through my head anytime I am single for a bit.  So I text him & just like a little puppy dog, he's right back sniffing my butt.  And then we meet up again and it all comes flooding back & I remember EXACTLY why I never go out with him more than 2 times a year.  

The Razorback & I met when I first delved into the on-line dating world.  This was probably 8 years ago or so.  He was so frustrating!  We e-mailed & texted constantly for about 3 months and he never asked me out.  My co-workers (yes the same ones that made the Coolest Chick in the World sash) had a pot going for when he would finally ask me out.  It was the running joke of our staff meetings.  Finally after a solid 3 months of continuous e-mails & texts we set up a date.  The day finally comes and I don't hear from him as much as usual that day.  I text him before I start to get ready to confirm the time and he says that he forgot about his nephew's baseball game & wants to go to it.  Now more confident women would've told him to hit the road after all this jerking around, but not me!  We finally reschedule another date about a month later & have an awesome first date! Woo hoo!

Then he starts to get annoying (as if he wasn't already).  The Razorback starts telling me how I should do my job, how I should spend money, what kind of car to drive.  He thinks he is the expert on EVERYTHING.  Then he starts making dates that involve me going shoe shopping with him, even though he already has the shoes picked out.  He literally just asked me out because I lived near the shoe store he wanted to go to!  That date was the end of our relationship.......for the time being.  

However, when we are just e-mailing/texting The Razorback is very attentive.  He responds in a timely manner & is always very complimenting.  After being alone for awhile, The Razorback starts to sound good again.  Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to talk to?  It sure is nice to have someone compliment you on a regular basis.  Then I get lured back in & go out with him again.  This has happened off & on for the past 8 years.

Tonight's date was no different.  He still knows everything & is also the BEST at everything.  Now little things about him are starting to annoy me-the way his shoulders are always up & it makes him look like he has no neck, the way he laughs with a hee hee (who actually laughs like that?), and the way his lips look when he says some words.  He went in for the kiss, I gave him my cheek.  I think this may be the end of The Razorback, but who knows when I will get needy again.  For right now, time of death-7:55 pm.

Coolest Chick in the World!

Well dates #2 & 3 had to be rescheduled from this weekend so now I'm booked tomorrow (Sunday), Monday & Tuesday.  Whew!  It's getting hard to keep track of these dates, while at the same time making for a pretty lackluster weekend.  While checking my bank statement today I looked at my security phrase.  It is the title of this post.  Whoa!  This chick sure does think a lot of herself doesn't she, you might be saying.  Well I'm not the one who said it.

I met Baldy on Yahoo! Personals.  This was MANY years ago. In fact, it was so long ago, I recently came across him on another dating site and for some reason he didn't remember dating me.  Apparently I didn't make as big of an impact as I thought.  I think Baldy and I went on two dates.  Date #1 was to Brio.  He was totally nervous (which I find endearing).  He talked about how his brother's girlfriend had freshly shaved his head for the date.  I appreciated his candor and the effort he put in.  

Date #2 is where things start to head south.  We went to Dave & Buster's.  I was dominating at Skee Ball & he kept gambling away his tokens on those machines that make you strategically place a coin so that others will drop.  As we were walking around we saw the photo booth.  One of the options is to morph two faces to see what your children will look like.  He thought this was a fantastic idea.  I was not so thrilled with the idea.  It was his money, so I went ahead and posed for the picture.  Our daughter looked HIDEOUS!  You may think that this was the time of death & it was close-definitely a life support support moment.  However the end is close!  After the date we parted ways & I was the lucky recipient of our alien baby.  I hadn't really talked to him very much after that and a few days later I received an e-mail from him.  It basically said that he had a really great time & missed talking to me.  The ending line is what really got me.  He ended his e-mail with "I really think your just the coolest chick in the world!"  Besides the obvious spelling error, I mean, I can't date a guy who says that!  My co-workers made a sash for me that says "Coolest chick in the world" and made me wear it for a day.  It's still hanging in my closet......along with all of my bridesmaid dresses.  Time of death-2:17 pm.

Blast from the Past

As some of my readers may know, I made it a personal goal to have 5 dates with 5 different people over Spring Break.  It's not looking too good right now for various reasons-1 whack job, 1 stomach flu, etc.  My date for this evening is stomach flu (don't worry, we've rescheduled) so I thought it would be a great time to blog about a date of the past.

This date is one of my all time favorites, and by favorites I mean most memorable-and not in a good way!  I met this guy on eHarmony.  I don't pay for that or any on-line dating sites for that matter (this may be the key reason for the quality of dates I've been on), but eHarmony has "Free Communication" weekends every once in awhile.  As a side note, you still can't see the pictures of the people you are matched with during "Free Communication" weekend-totally shady!  Anyway, I get matched with this guy and we seem to have some things in common.  We exchange actual e-mail addresses and pictures, I mean I want to see who I've invested some time in!  The minute I open up his picture I think he looks familiar.  Turns out this guy goes to my church.  I ever so slyly ask him if he is a Eucharistic Minister & of course he is.  We set up to meet at Cheeseburger in Paradise (such a fine establishment that will come into play later).  We sit at a little table by the window and chat it up.  He tells me that I have a beautiful singing voice, yadda yadda yadda.  Eventually his work comes up.  Now I already know that he is a security guard at a hospital, however I didn't know that he had recently completed his degree from, what for it, DeVry.  He then informs me that he is currently over $100,000 in debt from student loans.  Uh, hold on there a minute.  How many degrees do you have?  Just the one you say?  So I then ask if he will get a raise at work for completing his degree.  NOPE!  What the hell!  Things are not looking good for the eucharistic minister at this point.  

I continue to humor him with stories from my job all the while I am picturing him with $ floating above his forehead.  Strike #2 comes about halfway through dinner when he subtly tells me that he lives with his mom.  Now, I lived with my parents until I was 25, so I'm not really one to judge, but he was in his 30s at this point, so I'm going to go right ahead and judge him!  As dinner is ending he starts talking about a second date.  For some reason I am still open to this, maybe because he wants to go see a Broadway show and that is really how to get me to go anywhere with anyone.  About this time he also starts talking to the bartender about bar tending school.  I think to myself, "Do you really need anymore 'student loan debt'?"  But I keep this to myself.  He talks about how fun it would be to be a bartender & meet all kinds of people & how the extra money would be nice.  Then he asks for an application!  Let me repeat that, he asks the bartender for an application to work at Cheeseburger in Paradise while we are on a date!  Time of death-8:32 pm.

I Should've Done This Years Ago

As the title of this post suggests, I should've started this blog YEARS ago!  This is my first excursion into the blogosphere and I'm sure I have a ton to learn, however, I think I need to get these stories out there before I get too old to remember them! If the font is too large I apologize, but like the rest of me, my eyes are getting old.  

What's up with the name of my blog you may be asking?  Well, let me tell you!  I have been on TONS of dates-great dates, good dates, bad dates, long dates, short dates-you name it, I've done it.  I have entertained friends for countless hours about various guys in my life.  I usually give them nicknames-to protect the innocent, or not so innocent.  However, since I am still single, there always comes that one moment in a relationship/date where I think, "Yep, that's why you're still single."  No, I'm not talking about myself, I'm talking about my partner.  I always check my watch and call a "time of death" if you will as if I were a doctor.  (Side note, when I was in middle school I always wanted to be a doctor.  Maybe I still get a little thrill of thinking of having that much power?)  Am I being petty or flippant?  Possibly.  But it is what it is.  I want this blog to be educational if not empowering.

Now don't worry, if I find Mr. Right I have plenty of previous dating horror stories to fill up this blog.  But for right now, I will blog on current dates-----starting with this weekend!

Happy dating!