"You're Not Impressing Me!"

By the title of this post you can already tell this guy is going to be a d-bag.  You are not mistaken.  This guy is my first Tinder date.  What is Tinder you ask?  Tinder is an app that was originally created (I'm sure) to find people who are relatively close to you that want to hook up.  The app has kind of evolved into a dating app as well so I decided to try it out.  I saw that the Olympians in Sochi were using it & by God, if it's good enough for Olympians, it's good enough for me!  Here is how the app works.  You set a distance boundary & it uploads some profile pictures from Facebook.  Then you get a whole bunch of guys that come up and you either hit the X or the heart.  The X would mean you aren't interested and the heart obviously shows your interest.  If the guy hits the heart on your picture you are matched up & can send messages to each other.  It's as easy as that.  The downside to this app is that you literally know nothing about the person, i.e. job, children, etc.  You only know that you are both attracted to each other.  Come to think of it, this is really no different than meeting someone at a bar or anywhere else really.  I guess I'm just used to on-line dating and knowing a little more about people to filter some out.  Yes, surprisingly, I do filter people out---though you can't tell this by some of the people I've gone out with. :)

I get matched up with this guy, we'll call him Gru (the reason why will become apparent soon) & we start to chat.  Gru works for a security company & really likes talking on the phone.  I am not a big fan of chatting on the phone, I'd much prefer to text.  I can get a lot more done while texting than I can while talking on the phone.  I'm sorry, but much like the car dealer, my time is valuable.  So we continue to text & we have some things in common.  Then Gru starts sending sad little texts every once in awhile saying, "Call me?"  So I throw him a bone sometimes and actually call him.  He chides me for not wanting to talk saying, "Oh God, I'm so sorry I actually want human contact.  I'm such a jerk!"  He's being a smart ass, but deep down I know it annoys him.  We set a date for St. Patrick's Day & I am starting to look forward to it.  About a week before the date, Gru starts to get a little weird.  One night I go out with a friend (who is a girl, not that it matters) and don't respond to his texts.  He accuses me of having a date (little does he know I have 5 planned for the week) and not wanting to spend time with him.  Uh what?  He says that he really likes me and I'm already starting to have an effect on him.  Then I get a pitiful, "Call me?" text.  OK fine.  I call him and we chat for a little bit.  I then tell him that I have some work to do & would rather text when he blurts out, "Well consider our date off."  What?  Are you serious right now?  Because I won't talk to you?  "I'm not joking.  You're not impressing me."  Excuse me?  "You're not impressing me at all.  Consider the date off."  Uh, no problem ass hat!  I didn't say that last line, I just hung up.

Spring Break of Dates is a bust & fast forward to last week.  I get a Tinder message from Gru.  I glance at it & all I see is "giant cock."  WTF!  Then I read the whole message-Soooo, I was a giant cock.  Well that's better.  I thought he wanted to do some crazy sexting or something!  I reply back that I'm glad he's seen the error of his ways.  He blames his shitty attitude on work stress & what not.  I understand work stress, but you don't have to be an asshole.  Anyway, he is apparently in a much better place & wants to start over.  Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I agree.  I only got one pity "Call me?" text & I was already in bed, so too bad!  Gru had to unexpectedly work from midnight until 8:00am on the day of our date.  He was so excited to see me though that he didn't cancel.  I got to the establishment first so I went ahead and got us a table.  I wait around for about 10 minutes or so and in walks Gru.  Boy was I in for a surprise!  This was the first time that a date really looked nothing like their picture.  Gru is a big bald man (I do like a good bald man!) with absolutely no facial hair except for his humongous eyebrows!  The guy in the picture had cute stubble.  I've never seen facial hair transform someone so much.  This guy looked like a mix between Gru from Despicable Me (without the nose) & the eagle Muppet!  (You're pretty impressed I figured out how to link those words to web-sites aren't you.)  He also had on a t-shirt that was too big, jeans, & dirty white tennis shoes (you know the kind every guy has for mowing that has green all over them) without the mowing green since he lives in an apartment.  This seems to be a trend now with guys coming in without making much of an effort.  I must say, I looked cute.  I always put forth the effort because, you never know, he could be THE ONE.  After I get over the shock that I am about to have lunch with a cartoon character, we settle in to conversation.  About 15 minutes in I begin to smell the distinguishable smell of feet.  He keeps yammering on about his job & what he was doing from 12-8am and all I can do is smell feet!  It really starts to ruin my appetite.  I look down just to make sure he hasn't kicked off his dirty shoes right in the middle of our lunch (he hadn't).  I try to ignore the smell and we have some more witty banter.  I chide him for not caring if he has Pepsi or Coke, he teases me for accidentally squirting him with my tomato.  As we leave, I go in for the side hug (I don't want to smell like feet!) & he reaches around for the full body hug.  AWKWARD!  I still can't tell if I could smell his feet of if someone nearby just chucked off their shoes at the old Outback, but I'm willing to give this guy another shot.  Maybe I'll slyly suggest growing out his beard.  
Time of death-Hospice care has been called in.

UPDATE-So apparently I hadn't been paying enough attention to him this week because I got a text that said, "Good luck to you.  You obviously don't have time for me."  Whatevs!  I replied that I had been really busy. Yadda yadda yadda.  I then proceeded to continue doing work.  About an hour later I get a text that says, "Like I said, good luck to you."  Fine buddy-bye bye!  Then tonight I get this text, "Drunk & horny.  Wanna play?"  Are you serious dude? Followed up with, "I'd love to make you feel good."  WTF! Time of death: 10:12pm on Tuesday & AGAIN 9:17pm Thursday.